my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
