I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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