There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
