he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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