Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
