Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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