frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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