Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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