Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
