I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
