Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
