I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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