I wish I only lived at night.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
