he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
