I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Randomize
