You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
