Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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