Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
