I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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