I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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