I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
