I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
