note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
