census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my shit smells like andre
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
