sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
