you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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