i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
