My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
