Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
