Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
