the new term for farting is butt boxing.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
