remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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