apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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