in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
