I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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