i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
