i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think people are normalizing furries
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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