So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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