The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
