Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Too much gin, very little bucket
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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