having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
either way he was missing a nipple.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
