Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
