Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
