Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
