i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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