he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
