you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
