the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
