I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
