His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
