Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
