I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
