I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
